"It's those who go to the greatest depths to fix themselves that become the most beautiful people." Anonymous
“Michael, when I look at you I feel like crying a river of tears.” said Disha. This group facilitator, a vibrant looking women in her thirties, was pointing to my pain — my tears.
Tears that had been left unshed. Disha had confronted me as I stood in front of a group of people. All eyes were on me.
We had all come together with the hope of personal transformation. And it was only moments before Disha exposed my pain that I had given my group a big sales spiel. I told them about my success and current state of happiness.
If I had of gone more quietly, with greater humility, Disha's comment would not have been such a tremendous risk. There was a possibility that I would defend my stated happiness.
I could make a decision that Disha was wrong and I was right. But the problem with that path: My pain would have been left unexposed. And healing would not occur.
“The body weeps the tears the eyes never shed,” it has been said.
The body pays a price when pain is not fully faced and felt at the time we lose something important to us. A loved one, a favorite doll, the approval of our best friend, a dream of being CEO of our company:
The content of the loss is not so important. What’s important is that when we choose not to suffer now, we suffer later.
“Neurosis always stems from avoidance of legitimate suffering.” wrote Carl Jung.
Hours after Disha pointing to my below-the-surface suffering, I stood in front of my group again. This time, my knees wobbled away, eyes bulging, my shoulders buckling under the enormous weight of my past.
I was diving into the pain, hurling myself — like a man possessed — towards healing.
I was proud to be showing my vulnerability. And Disha was proud of me too. I could see the excitement gleaming in her eyes. “I knew Michael had it in him. Look at him everyone, look at him go!” I imagined she was thinking to herself. Disha seemed to want everyone to be a star.
But I’ll never know what she was thinking in that moment. Weeks after our group ended, I continued to follow through on healing my sadness. In my usual lunchtime routine, I would buy a sandwich at a city cafe and sit and eat on the steps to St Mary's Cathedral.
I'd set my countdown timer on my watch to thirty minutes, walk to the small chapel at the back of the cathedral and enter into a state of stillness where my sadness was easily accessible.
Like a weightlifter who trains themselves to associate pleasure with pain, I trained my mind to associate strength and achievement with finding and pouring the sadness out of my body. Within these focussed sessions, the more tears the better. One day after a session, Disha contacted me.
Disha told me of her vision to take the work of genuine personal transformation to more people — young people in particular. She had a “sense” that I could assist her to do this and mentioned that she had great respect for the depth and intensity of my inner work.
I was lost in my business at the time. I told Disha that I could not assist her directly. But I did have some contacts I thought could be helpful. I offered to introduce her to some people. Disha replied by saying that she would not use my contacts for now and finished her email stating, “Thanks Michael I’ll just allow this to unfold.”
A few weeks passed and on the 9th of September in 2005, I booted up my computer to receive a numbing email. The subject line read “In loving memory of Disha”.
Disha had endured serious complications within an ectopic pregnancy. Her internal bleeding and brain damage were too severe to contain. This powerful and beautiful woman passed away at thirty six years of age.
Disha passed onto me — and many others, I’m sure — the baton of authentic self growth. It was like she said, “OK Michael, now it’s over to you.”
It was all in how she stated her vision of helping others, made her request for my help and then eerily suggested that she would not act but “allow this to unfold.” All in a matter of weeks before she suddenly and unexpectedly passed away.
“It’s those who go to the greatest depths to fix themselves that become the most beautiful people”, somebody shared with me recently.
A couple of days after I wrote this in my personal journal, another client told me of her younger years when she battled with depression. Things changed for her when she read a story of someone having the courage to repeatedly go past their inner demons and they discovered a priceless and remarkable gift.
On reflecting on this story, my client found a new acceptance and befriended her depression. The depression soon passed. Today, if it were to come back, in her words, she would “welcome it.”
We live in a time and paradigm of optimistic thinking and self improvement. I have personally benefited immensely from this movement. Sometimes I have taken it all too far.
I have been criticised as being “preserved by positive thinking.” Positive thinking, without depth and balance can be an obstruction to feeling the truth of our personal suffering.
When we don’t feel raw emotions and suffer now, we suffer later — usually in ways that are far more problematic. “Things are great. It’s all good.” we might tell ourselves.
Even better when we can balance these thoughts with announcing our hurt, our weakness and showing our vulnerability. We want both light and darkness, happiness and sadness, Yin and Yang.
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Michael Dayes
Phone: 02 96532967
Mobile: 04 1234 2114
Postal: PO Box 788 Darlinghurst
NSW 1300 Australia
Appointment room: 26 Yarrara Road
Pennant Hills NSW 2120
www.michaeldayes.com.au
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